booshoot » Live to love

I recently read a young lady’s blog post about her life in the past year. This really got me thinking about marriage and what it is about.
So some background to frame what I’m thinking. This poor young lady expressed how 2010 was a really tough year for her. She had lost multiple family members. Now that is tough by anyone’s standard. No one wants to experience that. Then she said that 2011 was worse. How do you top that for a bad year? Well here how it did. Her marriage of three years ended. It just didn’t work out. Ok, so she didn’t go into sordid details of how it collapsed. Though, she didn’t express any infidelity on either part. It was described as they weren’t suited to each other anymore.
Here’s a disclaimer for you. This young lady’s story is sad. The breakdown of her marriage is a tragic experience and only her and her husband know the reasons that led to its demise. I’m not trying to condemn this couple’s decision to split. If you, wonderful reader, are in a similar position this is not a sledge at you either. I’m just wanting to put together some thoughts that might help some of you readers avoid similar tragedy.

As newly married couples or those just about to take the big step there will be times when the struggle seems greater than life itself. When that struggle is caused by the one who is supposed to be there for you everyday on your side it can get very hard. There will come a time when something will happen that challenges the state of the union. I would suggest the lady in the story was facing some serious challenges that were rocking her world in a bad way. Losing more than one family member in a year will irreversibly affect anyone. To endure that during a time when life should be fabulous is a big ask. If your spouse isn’t responding the way you think they should it will challenge your perceptions of where your marriage is at.
There are many things that will bring questions about your relationship. The point is that the depth that you can reach if you push on through is amazing. Do you really want to experience the death of your marriage? A bad experience can be a bit like child birth. It hurts while you go through it but when you come out the other side it’s better. So how about taking a step back and looking at ways to work through the problem so that you both can benefit and grow together.

I would hazard a guess that if you ask any divorced couple, especially those who split early in the marriage, they would say they didn’t expect things to turn out how they did. For the average couple getting married is a long term investment not a short term play. You expect that each other will invest time and effort into building the relationship. A problem can be that men and women don’t always perceive the same things as investing in the relationship. This in itself can generate friction between the two of you. Guys tend to see the ring on the finger as the ultimate expression of love and nothing can top it so let’s move forward and get on with life. The ladies need to be reassured of the love for them daily if not more frequently. This is not saying they’re wrong, bad or weak. It’s just how they are. Guys satisfying this is not hard, so Julie keeps telling me (I was a sloowww learner). If you start out right early in the marriage it will be easier later, trust me. It’s simple things like telling her you love her, or she is beautiful. Write a love note. Buy her flowers. An alternative to flowers is pretty plants. Find out what she likes. Wash her car. Make sure her car is serviced. If you’re not mechanically minded don’t worry about it just keep to the schedule and book it in before it’s due not after. Be there to listen to her. Not trying to find a solution, just understand what she is going through. Work out what inspires her, what makes her feel loved and do it regularly.
Remember from my previous post marriage should be about fighting together against what comes against your marriage. Not fighting against each other because of what comes against you. If you both make the effort to nurture the love regularly and frequently you will be better placed to make it through the hard times and benefit more from the good times.

So don’t give up, stand together. Learn from your failures and build a strong relationship that can weather the big storms of life. Find good counsel. You need to be able talk with people you can trust. Some times we need to be able to hear that it isn’t that bad. To hang in there. I strongly recommend avoiding people who think separating is a good solution. They are not the type of friends you need in your life.

I hope this has been an encouragement. We would love to hear other ideas on how to make the love grow stronger.